I’ve been wanting to catch up here forever. Since last year’s half marathon, since the long gaps that have marked this entire year, since the recent tumult and upheaval that have characterized the last 6 months of my life.
So, hi, blog.
I am terrible with accomplishments. Every time I finish something, I’m spent and pessimistic*. I’m never happy with the result…at least not until I’ve had some time away from that final product. To wit:
- Hundreds of successful photography critiques** in art school that left me doubting everything I believed and made.
- An embarrassment of riches (not so much the financial kind, though that’s certainly true enough compared to what some have) that have allowed me to stay steady during some of the most unimaginable events of my life…which can be discredited, demolished, and sent into a gust of wind by the amazing power of my self-doubt.
- Apple picking with my best friend and the love of my life? Not good enough – I should have researched the orchard more, should have made her a commemorative apple-picking tote bag, should have printed a little so-you-picked-20000-apples recipe booklet.
Oh, and of course this blog***. I thought it kind of sucked. It might, but only the parts that were forced. (And the broken images, which I will fix one of these days.)
I looked back at those months when I was more dedicated to posting and I like what I see. I am still proud of that life. It’s not so different from life today, which is also pretty reassuring (no major personality fractures…yet), and a beautiful tribute to my silly, anxious brain that likes to play chicken little all too often.
It’s a beautiful time of year, even here in this city that has no real seasons.
It’s a beautiful life, even though the patterns of which I’m a part are often larger than my understanding.
I didn’t talk about it on the blog, but I got engaged in May. Then I got un-engaged in July. Neither was easy, but both were the right thing to do.
Having the courage to be un-engaged made so much room in my life, and new blessings flourished all around me. Long-gone friends returned to me and new friendships thrived. Family deadlocks dissolved, and together we found the courage to clean up things that had festered for too long. Freedom and peace returned to my life.
I’m so thankful for all of those brightly shining relationships, for the strands that keep me in those webs.
I’m thankful that I had the confidence in myself to let go of things that weren’t working and make room for what my heart always wanted. Religion plays into this, but not in more detail than that on this blog (today
), but so does the new man in my life.
That’s right. Yes, it’s too soon. Yes, I beat myself up for weeks (really, until this past weekend) thinking it was foolish, that it was a rebound, that it couldn’t possibly be what it seemed. Yes, everyone and their brother has told me to put the brakes on for a year. I tried to do all of this without “testing” him, but I’m only human…and he passed with flying colors. Like a dream come true.
So I’m thankful that I held out for this amazing gift of a man who has improved every second of every day of my life since I first met him. Everything has fallen into place so perfectly, but with the simplicity, grace, and silence of the midnight snow. No one is forcing anything into a new shape; everything lands and settles just as it should.
I’m thankful for all of the opportunities and education that I’ve had, and all of those who have boosted me along the way.
I’m thankful every time I can go out for a run, after all the years of being sick and sidelined, especially in this gorgeous fall-ish weather.
I’m thankful that I have the money and opportunity to eat in a way that nourishes my body rather than harming it (especially with Angela’s incredible pumpkin spice whoopie pies, which I made gluten-free by subbing the flours for 1 cup brown rice flour, .5 cups buckwheat flour, and .5 cups tapioca starch, along with 1/2 teaspoon of xanthan gum).
(Yes, I had to photograph them in the dark because that man I mentioned above would have made them all disappear before I could take a photo if he had known they were available.)
And I’m thankful because after all of my years of self-critique, so much has suddenly and sharply come into focus. I see all my hard work paying off, even though things aren’t always perfect.
I have learned a lot this year, and I could never hope to do it justice here in a single post. I have been waking up inspired again for the first time in years, and I am so excited to go back to doing what I’ve always known I was born to do.
*I tell myself this is okay, because it means I’m giving my all. Reason or justification? You be the judge.
**Yeah, about the photo critiques and that art school thing…I’ve been doing quick+dirty lazy photos here for the most part. This may change.
***I have, in fact, been journaling on the web since the ’90s. This is the first mostly-anonymous, non-personal-life-focused blog effort that I’ve ever put forth, and I think it might end up being the best of all possible blog worlds. Plus, whoopie pies and races and green monsters! Amen.




So, for 2009, I lived richly. I made myself a list of sub-resolutions that fell under that umbrella: use my journal/planner, prioritize, live in good health, live economically, drink more wine and eat more salad and soup, travel, keep a tidy space, enjoy everything, and slow down. And I did all of those, though the journal/planner suffered some neglect in November. I also ran my first half marathon, ran several other races, took two glorious vacations with Wonderful Boyfriend, began eating a high raw diet, became a lot nicer to my co-workers, and ditched a lot of things that were weighing down my life (literally and spiritually). The hardest part was definitely slowing down while still living in the moment, but it’s been well worth it. (My need for speed comes from childhood, when I wasn’t expected to live very long so I got a jump start on lots of things…that’s a long story for another day, but hey, 28 years and I’m still here! Suckas!) (And yeah, that’s a whole folder I keep for goals in the picture. Don’t be jealous.)




